Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Time To Brush Up On My Canadian, Eh?

I saw this map in the Wall Street Journal today, which will be called the Unemployment Street Gazette in 2009, along with a story about a Russian professor predicting civil war and a complete societal collapse of the good 'ole US of A sometime in mid-2010, causing a split of the current states. After consulting Miss Teen South Carolina, I found my current state of residence and noticed I will soon live in a region called "The Central North American Republic" controlled by Canada, just above North Mexico and between Western China and Really Western Europe.

I feel sorry for those poor bastards in California and Arizona that will soon become a part of China. I would start learning how to make sweat pants for Wal-Mart at $1.50 a day, and acquire a taste for rice and dog meat. I'd also suggest brushing up on your algebra and calculus just to be on the safe side. And forget about pronouncing the letter "R" again or holding onto that "safe driver" policy from Allstate. But on the plus side, you could get the chance to run your very own 7-11 convenience store, become a ping-pong champion, or start a software company.

States like Texas, Oklahoma, and Florida will become a part of Mexico, which really shouldn't be that hard of a transition. Every Burger King in Texas already serves tacos, so the adjustments will be minor. If you can learn how to roof a house, move furniture, clean an office, or play soccer you should be fine. Plus, now you get to take 3 naps per day while on the clock. It's all about the silver linings. On the negative side, you will now have to add a teaspoon of dirt to every gallon of potable water, make some personal hygiene sacrifices, and mail half your paycheck back to Juarez every week.

On the east coast, joining the European Union should suit those in the Northeast just fine. But according to this map, the EU will be taking on Kentucky, Tennessee, and West Virginia? That could be a bigger cultural mismatch than the Clampetts moving to Beverly Hills. New York will have to make all of zero changes.

That leaves us in the middle of the former U.S. to the jurisdiction of the Canucks. I can't wait to be Canadian. Free health care, ice hockey, denim jackets, baby seal hunts, snowboarding, Molson's, loonies, mounties, Boxing Day, learning French, and Lanny Barbie, eh?

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