Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Time To Brush Up On My Canadian, Eh?

I saw this map in the Wall Street Journal today, which will be called the Unemployment Street Gazette in 2009, along with a story about a Russian professor predicting civil war and a complete societal collapse of the good 'ole US of A sometime in mid-2010, causing a split of the current states. After consulting Miss Teen South Carolina, I found my current state of residence and noticed I will soon live in a region called "The Central North American Republic" controlled by Canada, just above North Mexico and between Western China and Really Western Europe.

I feel sorry for those poor bastards in California and Arizona that will soon become a part of China. I would start learning how to make sweat pants for Wal-Mart at $1.50 a day, and acquire a taste for rice and dog meat. I'd also suggest brushing up on your algebra and calculus just to be on the safe side. And forget about pronouncing the letter "R" again or holding onto that "safe driver" policy from Allstate. But on the plus side, you could get the chance to run your very own 7-11 convenience store, become a ping-pong champion, or start a software company.

States like Texas, Oklahoma, and Florida will become a part of Mexico, which really shouldn't be that hard of a transition. Every Burger King in Texas already serves tacos, so the adjustments will be minor. If you can learn how to roof a house, move furniture, clean an office, or play soccer you should be fine. Plus, now you get to take 3 naps per day while on the clock. It's all about the silver linings. On the negative side, you will now have to add a teaspoon of dirt to every gallon of potable water, make some personal hygiene sacrifices, and mail half your paycheck back to Juarez every week.

On the east coast, joining the European Union should suit those in the Northeast just fine. But according to this map, the EU will be taking on Kentucky, Tennessee, and West Virginia? That could be a bigger cultural mismatch than the Clampetts moving to Beverly Hills. New York will have to make all of zero changes.

That leaves us in the middle of the former U.S. to the jurisdiction of the Canucks. I can't wait to be Canadian. Free health care, ice hockey, denim jackets, baby seal hunts, snowboarding, Molson's, loonies, mounties, Boxing Day, learning French, and Lanny Barbie, eh?

Monday, December 29, 2008

Is Anyone Happier Than This Guy That Obama Won?

Just look at the fear in this guy's face. This is the father of Sarah Palin's grandson. Her 18 year-old daughter Bristol just gave birth to a boy named Tripp. Why the name Tripp? Well, when you are named after a NASCAR racetrack in Tennessee, who the hell knows. But I can't imagine a guy more thrilled that Obama was victorious in November than Tripp's dad Levi Johnston. Why you ask?

When the then 17 year-old Bristol announced she was knocked up, and unwed, the Palin camp said "Brisol and the young man would get married." To keep the damage control to a minimum, Levi was going to be the fall guy for this little mistake. Don't think he wasn't more freaked out than Michael Douglas in "Fatal Attraction" when he found a boiling rabbit on the stove.

Levi knew his only way out was a resounding Obama win in November. Johnston has already commented that he "was a little shocked to learn Bristol was pregnant." Translation: "that's the last time I listen to that bitch when she tells me she's on the pill."

I bet little buddy Levi was praying like Mother Teresa that Obama would win this election. When Palin's campaign blew up like Fat Man over Nagasaki, he probably knew just how Edmund Dantes felt when he escaped from prison in "The Count of Monte Cristo."

Congrats Levi. You might have 18 years of child support payments to look forward to, but it beats the alternative. You could be calling this your mother-in-law.

"So what newspapers do you read?..........All of 'Em." (note: over 1500 different papers are printed daily in the US)

Is the DUI crackdown getting out of hand?

I'm not sure how many times the Dept of Transportation is going to show this award-winning ad before New Year's Eve, but I'm guessing it will rival the number of women Wilt Chamberlain slept with in the 1970's. The message is load and clear: if you drive with 5,698 gallons of water in your car, you will get pulled over. After that, I've learned that a cop will ask you if you've been drinking. If you've been drinking? That's the best you've got Barney Fife?

Come on, clearly if you managed to fill the entire interior of you car with water and then somehow manage to drive, shouldn't the cops ask if you remembered to take your medication? Plus, it looks like there are fish coming out of a few of the cars. Not sure what that's about.

Either way, I can't speak for all Americans, but I think most of us are well aware that if we get pulled over after an all night bar binge we better pull a Daniel Day Lewis acting performance from "There Will Be Blood" or we are pretty much f*cked. Even though Sgt. Dangle from Reno 911 is okay after 11 beers and 3 cosmos, the breathalyzer might see things differently.

Is this ad gonna make me any more likely to call a cab when I'm bombed up during the Holidays? No. I'd get a cab every time I go to the bar if the wait time didn't rival the combined run time of The Lord of the Rings trilogy.

It's like this year is gonna be somehow be more risky to hit the roads at 2am on New Year's Day with a .254 BAC. I don't care if it's a random Friday night, I'm pretty sure anytime after 11pm every cop on every street in every city is looking for DUIs.

Solid waste of money on these stupid ads telling me something I've known since my first DUI at 17. What's next? Is the Treasury Dept gonna remind me that if I want to buy something at a store I might need either cash or a credit card in my wallet? Can't wait for the Dept of Health to tell me if I eat raw ground beef I could get e. coli.

"Pull over..........No it's a cardigan, but thanks for noticin'......yeah, killer boots man."

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Is Ted Turner Promoting More School Shootings?

It's Christmas, which can only mean one thing: Ted Turner's TBS network will run another 48-hour marathon of "A Christmas Story." Solid programming considering everyone in America has seen this movie at least once. You have at least ask the question of why a network would give this movie Court TV-like coverage of the O.J. trial in 1995.

I think the message is loud and clear. Ted Turner is telling every 9 year-old in this country to pester your parents until they buy you a gun. And like any 8th grader will tell you, if you get a gun you don't wait until Saturday to show your buddies. You hide the gun in a trench coat and show your friends during school.

This movie was made in 1983, which means the BB-gun from 25 years ago needs an upgrade. No kid in this country wants a Red Rider BB-gun from the '80's. I'm thinking an updated gun x-mas wish list probably includes a 9mm, TEC-9, or AK-47.

I don't think Ralphie would been able to handle an AK, but no question today's kids wouldn't have a problem. By the age of 9, the average kid in America has already played 5,265 hours of Halo, giving him the marksman skills of Lee Harvey Oswald.

I get the message Ted Turner. Let's keep showing a repeat loop of "A Christmas Story" and you should inspire at least a couple thousand little Charleton Hestons. Get those kids trained before they hit puberty and your average schoold should be a much safer place. Well back to more TBS coverage of this classic, but I think we all know by now that Ralphie was a just a colossal pussy.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Would You?

I know, I know, that's a cruel question. Apparantly somebody did though, looking at these photos. I wonder if that guy had to watch five hours of Brooke Belle on Spankwire before that conception. If you haven't heard of Brooke Belle, don't worry, Larry's Liquid will make her more famous than Jenna Jameson after the O'Reilly interview.

No worries Bill. I would have been more intimidated than a 12 year-old little leaguer facing C.C. Sabithia with Jenna on the hot seat. Just because the tread is completely worn off the tires doesn't mean it's not a fun ride in the snow, right?

So back to the monster that calls itself Nancy Grace. I spent 10 minutes watching this beast inform me on Caylee Anthony's disappearance. I guess the mom killed her? (Don't lie to yourself, she might be a murderer, but you totally would.) From the looks of it, Nancy came within seconds of a cardiac arrest moaning about how evil this hot mom is for killing her kid. She had an angry tirade not seen since Hitler gave this speech just days before the end of WWII.

I'm not one for offing your kids. Seriously, couldn't she have flown into Omaha, told the kid she was going to Disneyland, and dropped her off at Bergan Mercy on 72nd street? That's what a responsible parent would have done. But still, let a jury of really smart people decide if she's destined for a life of learning how to lick carpet like a champ. I don't need Nancy Grace trying to convince her to commit suicide on Headline News every night when the cameras are rolling. If I wanted to watch fat, annoying women on TV, I'd Tivo "The View" on a daily basis.

For the time being, I guess I'll just have to block the Headline News channel, which kind of sucks because that means I miss seeing my favorite anchor of all-time. Yes, I'm referring to Robin Meade. I won't even pose the "Would You" question here.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Is Courtney Cox Un-American?

I know what you're thinking, "what could be un-American about the lovely Courtney Cox?" I would have agreed with you yesterday, but after the former Friends star made the following comment about her marriage to 15-time Pro Bowl punter David Arquette, I am thinking otherwise. Her comment on marriage? (read below and try not to grimace in pain).

"I don't know what the future's going to hold, but divorce isn't really an option," she said.

Divorce is not an option? The audacity. Listen, I don't want to start listing all the things I love about this country, and there are plenty (Scores Vegas, the Spearmint Rhino, Craigslist, tube8, etc), but divorce has to be at the top of that list.

Thankfully not all Americans think like Usama bin Courtney or an entire industry could be wiped out faster than you can say "sub-prime mortgage securitization." According to this site, there are 225,316 divorce lawyers in the U.S., all of whom provide an invaluable service. All of these Americans would join the ranks of thousands of Citibank employees if everyone just said "divorce isn't an option."

Think of it this way: when you go test drive a brand new car, do you have any idea how long the transmission is gonna last? Of course you don't. The same can be said about marriage. Oh, you went out for 2 years and now you're Nostradamus and can see the future? Think again. Just because she didn't cut your balls off for going to Vegas with your buddies for the bachelor party doesn't mean you're not getting a frying pan to the back of the head when you come home at 9 o'clock on a Friday night with just a hint of perfume mixed in with lotion.

Same is true about guys. Ladies, just because he didn't check out a single girl the first year you dated and was always home early after watching football games, doesn't mean he won't be checking out the waitress at the Olive Garden wondering what kind of panties she's wearing on the first Tuesday after the wedding. Probably just a basic, white cotton, but still, the thought is there.

I'll give Courtney Cox a pass on this one, but if I hear one comment about how people should spend more time with their kids, she's officially a member of Al-Qaida to me.

Should Someone Get Canned at Burger King?

I'm not sure who gave the "green light" to the original Burger King mascot, but I'm pretty sure someone needs to get fired for latest ingenious ad campaign over at BK. Of course I'm talking about the infamous "Whopper Virgin" ads that make as much sense as Ozzy Osbourne speaking English after 2,000 milligrams of Ativan. Not that you'd expect anything less from the company that created a mascot that instills more fear in young children than a 57 year-old Catholic priest in the Boston area. I know I've been giving this way, way too much thought, but showing some peasant rice farmer from Thailand who last took a shower during Pol Pot's Khmer Rouge rule choosing a Whopper over a Big Mac isn't exactly selling me here.

I realize what the ad agency was thinking: Let's take a bunch of people from some 3rd world countries, who haven't eaten a burger in their lives and see which one they like better. But I'm thinking to myself, isn't this kinda like taking condom advice from a 12 year-old kid who doesn't even know why he gets a boner every time there's co-ed gym class? Seriously, using this logic, why don't I ask a Chinese guy who rides his bike to work everyday if he thinks the new 256-horsepower BMW M6 is a better buy than a Benz CL 65 AMG? Doesn't make any logical sense, right? You want to beat the sh*t out of some kid who made fun of your chili bowl haircut at recess? You don't ask the Dalai Lama, you ask Chuck Liddell.

You want to an endorsement that actually matters? Then you find a qualified opinion. People that want advice on prescription meds don't ask some doctor that's never used them. They go straight to Gary Busey for expert advice. You want to know if 5mg of Klonapin will put you down quicker than 10mg of Xanax? You don't go to a doctor, you go to Scott Weilend. All painkiller/opiate advice should be directed to Jason Peter.

So, if you want me to believe the Whopper beats the Big Mac, then show me some 40 year-old, extremely obese guy with a double bypass and hypertension from Cleveland, Ohio that eats fast food everyday and tell me what he thinks. Otherwise, my advice is to follow the tried and true advertising philosophy perfected by breweries and Carl's Jr alike. Hot, hot, hot girls. (For the record Carls Jr. has the best burger in fast food.)

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Welcome to Larry's Liquid Love.....

It's a sophisticated meeting place. Don't kid yourself, it's no English Pub, but Keeley seems to like it.