Is Courtney Cox Un-American?

I know what you're thinking, "what could be un-American about the lovely Courtney Cox?" I would have agreed with you yesterday, but after the former Friends star made the following comment about her marriage to 15-time Pro Bowl punter David Arquette, I am thinking otherwise. Her comment on marriage? (read below and try not to grimace in pain).

"I don't know what the future's going to hold, but divorce isn't really an option," she said.

Divorce is not an option? The audacity. Listen, I don't want to start listing all the things I love about this country, and there are plenty (Scores Vegas, the Spearmint Rhino, Craigslist, tube8, etc), but divorce has to be at the top of that list.

Thankfully not all Americans think like Usama bin Courtney or an entire industry could be wiped out faster than you can say "sub-prime mortgage securitization." According to this site, there are 225,316 divorce lawyers in the U.S., all of whom provide an invaluable service. All of these Americans would join the ranks of thousands of Citibank employees if everyone just said "divorce isn't an option."

Think of it this way: when you go test drive a brand new car, do you have any idea how long the transmission is gonna last? Of course you don't. The same can be said about marriage. Oh, you went out for 2 years and now you're Nostradamus and can see the future? Think again. Just because she didn't cut your balls off for going to Vegas with your buddies for the bachelor party doesn't mean you're not getting a frying pan to the back of the head when you come home at 9 o'clock on a Friday night with just a hint of perfume mixed in with lotion.

Same is true about guys. Ladies, just because he didn't check out a single girl the first year you dated and was always home early after watching football games, doesn't mean he won't be checking out the waitress at the Olive Garden wondering what kind of panties she's wearing on the first Tuesday after the wedding. Probably just a basic, white cotton, but still, the thought is there.

I'll give Courtney Cox a pass on this one, but if I hear one comment about how people should spend more time with their kids, she's officially a member of Al-Qaida to me.

Should Someone Get Canned at Burger King?

I'm not sure who gave the "green light" to the original Burger King mascot, but I'm pretty sure someone needs to get fired for latest ingenious ad campaign over at BK. Of course I'm talking about the infamous "Whopper Virgin" ads that make as much sense as Ozzy Osbourne speaking English after 2,000 milligrams of Ativan. Not that you'd expect anything less from the company that created a mascot that instills more fear in young children than a 57 year-old Catholic priest in the Boston area. I know I've been giving this way, way too much thought, but showing some peasant rice farmer from Thailand who last took a shower during Pol Pot's Khmer Rouge rule choosing a Whopper over a Big Mac isn't exactly selling me here.

I realize what the ad agency was thinking: Let's take a bunch of people from some 3rd world countries, who haven't eaten a burger in their lives and see which one they like better. But I'm thinking to myself, isn't this kinda like taking condom advice from a 12 year-old kid who doesn't even know why he gets a boner every time there's co-ed gym class? Seriously, using this logic, why don't I ask a Chinese guy who rides his bike to work everyday if he thinks the new 256-horsepower BMW M6 is a better buy than a Benz CL 65 AMG? Doesn't make any logical sense, right? You want to beat the sh*t out of some kid who made fun of your chili bowl haircut at recess? You don't ask the Dalai Lama, you ask Chuck Liddell.

You want to an endorsement that actually matters? Then you find a qualified opinion. People that want advice on prescription meds don't ask some doctor that's never used them. They go straight to Gary Busey for expert advice. You want to know if 5mg of Klonapin will put you down quicker than 10mg of Xanax? You don't go to a doctor, you go to Scott Weilend. All painkiller/opiate advice should be directed to Jason Peter.

So, if you want me to believe the Whopper beats the Big Mac, then show me some 40 year-old, extremely obese guy with a double bypass and hypertension from Cleveland, Ohio that eats fast food everyday and tell me what he thinks. Otherwise, my advice is to follow the tried and true advertising philosophy perfected by breweries and Carl's Jr alike. Hot, hot, hot girls. (For the record Carls Jr. has the best burger in fast food.)

Welcome to Larry's Liquid Love.....

It's a sophisticated meeting place. Don't kid yourself, it's no English Pub, but Keeley seems to like it.