Should Someone Get Canned at Burger King?

I'm not sure who gave the "green light" to the original Burger King mascot, but I'm pretty sure someone needs to get fired for latest ingenious ad campaign over at BK. Of course I'm talking about the infamous "Whopper Virgin" ads that make as much sense as Ozzy Osbourne speaking English after 2,000 milligrams of Ativan. Not that you'd expect anything less from the company that created a mascot that instills more fear in young children than a 57 year-old Catholic priest in the Boston area. I know I've been giving this way, way too much thought, but showing some peasant rice farmer from Thailand who last took a shower during Pol Pot's Khmer Rouge rule choosing a Whopper over a Big Mac isn't exactly selling me here.

I realize what the ad agency was thinking: Let's take a bunch of people from some 3rd world countries, who haven't eaten a burger in their lives and see which one they like better. But I'm thinking to myself, isn't this kinda like taking condom advice from a 12 year-old kid who doesn't even know why he gets a boner every time there's co-ed gym class? Seriously, using this logic, why don't I ask a Chinese guy who rides his bike to work everyday if he thinks the new 256-horsepower BMW M6 is a better buy than a Benz CL 65 AMG? Doesn't make any logical sense, right? You want to beat the sh*t out of some kid who made fun of your chili bowl haircut at recess? You don't ask the Dalai Lama, you ask Chuck Liddell.

You want to an endorsement that actually matters? Then you find a qualified opinion. People that want advice on prescription meds don't ask some doctor that's never used them. They go straight to Gary Busey for expert advice. You want to know if 5mg of Klonapin will put you down quicker than 10mg of Xanax? You don't go to a doctor, you go to Scott Weilend. All painkiller/opiate advice should be directed to Jason Peter.

So, if you want me to believe the Whopper beats the Big Mac, then show me some 40 year-old, extremely obese guy with a double bypass and hypertension from Cleveland, Ohio that eats fast food everyday and tell me what he thinks. Otherwise, my advice is to follow the tried and true advertising philosophy perfected by breweries and Carl's Jr alike. Hot, hot, hot girls. (For the record Carls Jr. has the best burger in fast food.)